


Faces of a Clown

by xHaruka17x



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Bottom Castiel, College, Horror, Hurt Castiel, Killer Clown, M/M, Minor Character Deaths, Psychological Thriller, Rape, Sweet Dean, Top Dean, Underage - Freeform, can’t add more tags without giving things away, major character deaths, read at your own discretion.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-30
Updated: 2016-10-30
Packaged: 2018-08-27 20:39:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8415994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xHaruka17x/pseuds/xHaruka17x
Summary: Clowns. When Castiel was ten years old, on Halloween night, he had stupidly followed a clown into the woods and his life had changed forever. Now, twelve years later, Castiel is in college, in a loving relationship and trying his best to keep moving forward, only Halloween is approaching, and the nightmares are back. 
SERIOUS TRIGGER WARNINGS. I’m not joking, references to underage rape and dubious consent. READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [xHaruka17x](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xHaruka17x/pseuds/xHaruka17x) in the [HTCHalloweenChallenge2016](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/HTCHalloweenChallenge2016) collection. 



> SERIOUS TRIGGER WARNINGS. I’m not joking, references to underage rape and dubious consent. READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION. I’m scared of clowns, just NO! So that's what this story will be about and add that there has recently been reports of clowns trying to lure kids into the woods. This is a mix of personal experiences/situations along with based off real life occurrence in police investigation shows.
> 
> [} means dreams  
> ~~ means memories

  


  
  


_[} The little boy ran. He ran as fast as his little bare feet could take him through the vast woods in the middle of the night. The moon barely gave any light through the open patches of trees. He was breathing hard, his heart thumping, blood pulsing in his ears and could barely see through the river of tears falling from his eyes that were leaving streaks on his dirty face._  
  
_He could hear The Clown behind him, ever so close on his tail. He could hear the amused huffs, the larger soled feet crushing the sticks and greens as it ran after him. The boy tripped and crawled forward till he was up and running again. His lungs hurt from the cold rush of air hitting them as he panted. He couldn’t see anything in front of him, just woods and darkness._  
  
_Just as he reached what looked liked some kind of path, his feet bloody and numb with throbbing pain, strong hands yanked him backwards {]_  
  
  
**Lewis & Clark College in Portland, Oregon**  
**Oct 1st**  
  
  
Castiel bolted upright in bed. His heart was pounding and he tried catching his breath as his wide eyes looked around the room. He was drenched with sweat as he sighed in shaky relief. He was in his bedroom, safe.  
  
“Babe?” His boyfriend’s sleepy voice sounded from his right as a gentle hand came to rub his back. “You ok?”  
  
“Y-yeah” Castiel’s throat was completely dry. He swallowed hard and licked his lips. “J-just a nightmare” He clarified as he let his boyfriend, Dean, pull him back down to cuddle against him.  
  
“You’re safe, I’m here” Dean murmured sleepily against his temple.  
  
Castiel let his heart beat calm down as Dean’s fingers pet through his hair in an effort to calm him and get him back to sleep. Castiel wrapped his arms tightly around his lover and buried his face into his chest. He was so lucky and thankful to have Dean. His nightmares were always much more frequent around this time of year, so close to Halloween.  
  
Castiel had never told Dean, or anyone about his nightmares, or his past. They only knew his parents had passed away when he was young and his aunt had taken him in. Dean was the only one that knew Castiel saw a therapist every Thursday. Dean had asked in the beginning when they had gotten serious what the nightmares were about after they had slept together the first time over a year ago. Castiel couldn’t bring himself to voice them.  
  
Dean had surprisingly been understanding and had told Castiel if talking about it hurt him, he wouldn’t push. However, if Castiel ever wanted to tell him, he would listen and be there for him. Castiel knew he was lucky. Dean was sweet and thoughtful. He made Castiel so happy.  
  
He snuggled closer into Dean’s chest and made himself take comfort in his warmth. His scent was pleasing and the sounds of his soft breathing as he slept, lulled Castiel back to sleep as his heartbeat calmed down to its normal tick.  
  
  
**######**  
**Oct 5th**  
  
  
Fall was beautiful in Portland. Red, orange and yellow leafed trees made the scenic views breath taking. During the day, they were beautiful. Castiel knew how haunting they could be at night. He was standing on the lawn by the forested campus which sat atop Palatine Hill. He was studying the woods in the late afternoon as the weather promised rain to come. He pulled his parka tighter around himself, cobalt blue eyes locked on the woods, watching as colorful leaves drifted to the dark carob colored covered grounds.  
  
  


  


It was almost eerily too quiet for a Thursday afternoon. The air smelled of rain clouds and the cool small breezy teased at the snow that would come in a few weeks.

A patriot blue Chevrolet Equinox drove past, momentarily obscuring his view of the woods. The SUV filled with happy, cheering classmates looking forward the to Halloween festivities to come in the next two weeks until Halloween itself. The flyers around campus promised multiple parties including a ‘haunted scavenger hunt’ taking place in the very woods Castiel couldn’t take his eyes from.

“Hey” Castiel jolted. He hadn’t heard anyone coming up to him, only the deafening silence of the forest before him and the distant chatters of the school attendees.

“Hey” He replied doing his best to seem calm as Dean wrapped his arms around his waist from behind and kissed his neck.

“Watcha doing out here gorgeous? It's about to rain. Can’t have my baby getting a cold” Dean hummed against him, continuing his light kisses on his neck and temple, swaying them slightly as they both gazed at the woods. Castiel smirked as he let himself fully relax back against his lover. Dean Winchester was 23 year old. He major in Biochemistry and Molecular Biology, with a minor in Gender studies. He was a complete romantic sap and endlessly devoted to Castiel and for the life of him the shorter man couldn’t believe how much he had lucked out.

Dean was dashing, tall with broad shoulders He had a panties dropping smile with mesmerizing green eyes. One of his best features were his freckles. When Castiel couldn’t sleep he’d quietly count them. He had never been able to get the same number. Dean was charismatic, outgoing and athletic. He was genuine and thoughtful. Castiel had fallen for him the first day they had met.

On the first day of Dean’s attendance, he had randomly zeroed in on Castiel to ask for directions. After both shared a few shy and flirtatious smiles, before Castiel knew it, they were on a date. That was almost two years ago now.

Castiel wrapped his lover’s arms tighter around himself, getting a whiff of his aftershave of pine and mint, making his sigh contently, the scents soothing, safe.

“I was just waiting for you” He murmured as Dean hummed.

“Come on, don’t wanna be late for Professor tight ass” Dean replied, Castiel could feel him roll his eyes as Dean untangled his arms from him to turn back towards the school. A sudden high breeze picked up and something gently hit Castiel on his arm. He looked down to find a white golf sized plastic ball. He picked it up from the ground where the breeze was making it shuffle and saw there was something printed on it. Castiel grabbed it and found two balloons, one completely filled in and the other blank, displayed on it. He frowned his brows, confused by it and looked around for where it came from.

  
  


There was nothing out of place to indicate where it had come from. No one was looking for something lost. There were no balloons anywhere, no white little balls in a basket or being carried by anyone where one could have easily fallen out because of its lack of heaviness.

There was nothing beyond students going to and from classes, nothing beyond colorful leaves dancing in the light winds. It was like it had materialized out of nowhere.

“Cas? Babe? You coming?” Castiel turned back around, seeing Dean waiting for him with an easy smirk on his face. Dean’s smile was addicting. Castiel smile back and rushed over to reach him. Dean took his hand, laced their fingers together as they started towards class.

  
  
**######**  
**Oct 8th**  
  
  
Sex was never something Castiel thought he would enjoy so much. Since his trauma, sex, much less a romantic relationship was never something he thought he would have nor seek. He never even thought it was something he could handle, much less want.  
  
However, Dean had come into his life on bowed legs and made him smile, made him laugh. The southerner was attentive and caring. He had never pushed Castiel for beyond what he was ready for, ever so patient of Castiel’s issues. During one of their earliest dates, Castiel had suffered a panic attack and somehow, Dean had known exactly what to do. He had sank to his knees to be eye level with Castiel who had been sitting on the chair during their outside lunch at a cafe. Dean kept asking him questions, to shift focus off of his panic attack. In the end it had made Castiel smile.  
  
  
_“Cas, focus on me. What color are my eyes?”_  
_“Moss green, with specks of gold”_  
_“How tall am I?”_  
_“Six foot, two inches”_  
_“What sports do I like?”_  
_“Football-The Cowboys, Lacrosse-Denver Outlaws, and Hockey-Washington Capitals”_  
_“What’s my favorite color?”_  
_“Blue”_  
_“What’s my favorite food?”_  
_“Bacon cheese burgers and you hate sushi”_  
_“How many freckles do I have on my face? I know you count them”_  
_“Three hundr-” Castiel had stop his reply as his hazy cobalt blue gaze finally focused on Dean’s emerald ones and he smiled. Dean smiled back, giving him that traffic stopping grin that showed off his sharp canines and Castiel had blushed deeply and started laughing._  
  
  
That had been it, somehow his panic attack had subsided and the heaviness had lifted. He was even laughing. After that, Castiel had found himself having less panic attacks and he had even started sleeping better.  
  
His therapist had been all for his budding relationship with Dean. He had gushed about the handsome Biochemistry student and his therapist had listening to him go on and on with a pleased smile on her face. Castiel trusted his therapist. After going to see the passive blonde professional since he was ten years old, she had helped him tremendously through his traumatic horrors. She had never once judged him, never once made him feel ashamed nor at fault for what had happened to him and his parents. Instead she had been patient with him, helped him come out of his shell and push himself over his horrifying past. His emotional scars as well as his physical ones had healed and brought him to this very point. Being able to be in a relationship, emotionally and physically with someone that cared for him without a doubt. Dean had even told him he loved him this past Labor day. Dean knew him inside and out and never asked for beyond what Castiel was comfortable with and his Therapist had told him that was key. That it was clear Dean cared deeply for him and was someone Castiel could be stronger with. And he was. At least that’s how being with Dean made him feel. Stronger if not ‘normal’. Happy and most of all safe.  
  
It was early, around five a.m. when Dean had woken him. Holding him against his chest, naked hips rutting, hard cock between his cheeks giving them both delicious friction from the wetness that was still between his legs from their love making the evening before. Half asleep, Castiel let Dean lift his left leg and push himself into him slowly. They both moaned as Dean started a slow and deep rhythm. He was peppering kisses all along Castiel’s exposed neck and shoulder, having slid his right arm under him to keep him from moving while his left arm kept Castiel’s leg up, bent at the knee.  
  
Castiel moaned and panted as he arched his back, taking Dean in deeper making him gasp and nip at his shoulder while Castiel took a firm grasp of the bed sheets.  
  
“Feel so good babe” Dean growled in his ear as he rolled his hips, just the way Castiel liked. Hitting that spot inside of him that made him tremble and shiver, rendering him unable to say anything but incoherent babbling of pleasure filled cries as Dean increased the pace.  
  
His little song of ‘ah ah ah, yes, yes’ drove Dean wild. He had admitted to how much it made him crazy with sure confidence that he could make him feel this way, make him lose himself and give all of himself to him. Dean had admitted how possessive it made him feel, how amazing he felt knowing he could please him like this. That Castiel trusted him to do so.  
  
  
**######**  
**Oct 11th**  
  
  
Castiel was in the library with his friends for a study group. Charlie, was a bubbly tech wiz with fire engine red hair, who double majored in Computer Science. She had been the first friend Castiel had made when he stated at Lewis  & Clark. She radiated happy peppy energy and was easy to befriend. She could always make Castiel smile. The best part for Castiel had been how easily Charlie and Dean had bonded. His best friend had greatly approved of Dean and likewise. Garth, was an awkward scrawny guy who was oddly enough a Sociology major. He was sweet and a innocently ‘off’ but Castiel liked him while Dean thought he was slightly annoying. Gabriel, was a complete goof ball that flirted with anything on two legs, who was a Rhetoric and Media major. Which made sense, if Gabriel wanted to find out anything, he had a tendency to somehow always find out. He never revealed his sources however, which was the golden rule for being a reporter Castiel supposed. Jo, was a very self assured petite blonde with a strong personality and was a Political Science major. She got along well with Charlie, Gordon and Dean while not so much with Castiel himself. Her attraction to Dean was too obvious and her at times brazen manners made Castiel uncomfortable. Dean never rose to her taunts however, which Castiel was immensely grateful for. His insecurities liked to rise up when she was around. Lastly was Gordon. He was a bit intense and his belief system was a bit black and white while he was a Religious Studies major, but he had never been anything but cordial towards Castiel. Still, out of the group, he made Castiel feel the most self aware.  
  
Castiel looked around their shared table. The Library was quiet besides the few hushed conversations as they each worked on their studies with mild to involved interests. Dean was sitting next to him on his left, seemingly to easily run through an array of mathematical formulas and problems with such ease it took Castiel a back a bit. He smirked as he side glanced his lover. Dean looked like the typical bad boy if not jock type with his strong body frame. Always wearing jeans and flannel. He was model handsome and because of it, as well as his southern drawl, many people, including Castiel in the beginning which he felt wildly ashamed about, wouldn’t have thought Dean was secretly a genius. Science and math seemed to be as easy as breathing to his jade colored eyed lover.  
  
Dean had noticed him staring, again. He placed his hand on Castiel’s thigh under the table and gave a light squeeze while he smirked. Castiel kissed his boyfriend’s cheek chastely before returning to his own work load. Castiel had just started on another page when something on the floor caught his eye. He was seated at the very end with Garth seated across from him when he spotted something small, round and white.  
****  
His heart started to pound in his chest as his blood rushed to his ears. His mouth was too dry and he felt a slight panic starting to make his stomach nauseous. He slowly reached down to pick up the item.  
  
  


It was exactly like the little ball he had found days earlier, only this one had a different picture printed on it. It had a circus tent… A cold feeling settled in the pit of his stomach. He looked around the busy library and found no one was even close to their table. No one had or was passing by his end of the table. No one was sitting on the floor close to him where it could have just rolled over to him. There was nothing around the vast room that it could have come from. There was only an array of students spread out around the many and heavily stocked book shelves. Some students were standings, others at tables, while a few sat on the floor in the rows. All completely lost and concentrated in their individual books.

“Babe?” Castiel spun his head around, surprising Dean who inched backwards at the speed he had turned. Dean’s face quickly turned to worry as he took in Castiel’s wide eyed panicked look. “You ok?” Just as Dean asked, he spotted the white ball in his hand and carefully reached for it to study it. “Hey… I found one like this the other day. It was in my locker.” Dean went on as he grabbed his backpack from the floor and retrieved a similar ball.

  
  


Castiel took the two balls and a chill ran down his spine. He felt faint. Balloons, a circus tent and an elephant on a platform all pointed to something he feared more than anything. He shoved all his books haphazardly into his book bag and practically sprung out of his seat as he ran for the exit. He could hear Dean calling for him but he couldn’t stop. His legs were shaky and he couldn’t seem to get enough air into his lungs. As he reached the halls of the school, he stopped short on a dime.  
  
The student committee were hanging up Halloween decorations all throughout the halls. Everywhere he looked it was covered in orange and black. Cardboard and construction papered witches, vampires and clowns were all over the place. One student was attempted to staple a makeshift and very realistic looking scarecrow against the announcement board. It was seven feet tall.

“Cas!” Dean was next to him in the following second and gently turned him to look at him. Worried and tend moss green eyes scanned over his face as Dean cupped his face. “Cas, what's wrong? Talk to me, please”

“I-I-” He couldn’t say it. He couldn’t tell him he was freaking out about something that happened over a decade ago. These little white balls were just appearing and added up to the thing that scared him the most, the thing that made Halloween the most terrifying time of the year for him. He couldn’t even explain why he was so scared because of the balls. Just because they were obviously from something that had to do with a ‘circus’ it didn’t mean… it didn’t mean anything. Right?

Castiel hadn’t realized how long he had been stammering until Dean gently brought him in to hug him. “Ok, shh, it's ok, shh. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. Just promise me you’ll tell me, or anyone if it's something that can hurt you. Cas you’re trembling babe” Dean held him tightly and Castiel buried his face against his neck. He took in a gasping breath, for the first time realizing he had been crying and closed his eyes. He made himself focus on Dean, on his minty pine scent, on the feel of his strong arms wrapped around him, keeping him safe.

  
  
**######**  
**Oct 13th**  
  
  
_[} The little boy shivered, holding on to his knees tightly, keeping them against his chest, trying to make himself as small as he could before The Clown came back. He was bloody and bruised. His legs hurt from being forcedly spread wide. The pain from between his cheeks hurt the most. The Clown had touched him there with his fingers… with his penis. The little boy hiccuped as fresh tears swelled in his azure blue eyes and slid down his dirty cheeks. The Clown had taken off his clothes, he just sat on an old mattress in a room he didn’t know. The one window was boarded up with nailed pieces of wood and there was only a oil lamp on. The door was closed but he didn’t know if it was locked. He was too scared to get up and check. Too scared to move or make a sound._

_Sudden footsteps sounded from the other side of the door before it opened to reveal The Clown. The little boy pushed himself closer into the corner walls on the mattress and hid his face into his arms._

_“Awe, don’t be scared. We are just getting to know each other. Now, after I get rid of any problems for us, we can have more fun together” The Clown said, his voice distant yet incredibly close._

_Two large hand grabbed the boy by his ankles and pulled him down the mattress. The boy started to cry as the hands roamed over his body and then was spun to lay on his stomach. The hands were touching him ‘there’ again and he grasped at the mattress in anticipation of the pain to return. “If you don’t fight, it won’t hurt so much. You’ll like it eventually. You’re mine and I love you.” The Clown whispered into his ear. Half of his big body was pressed over the little boy’s, as his fingers probed at his abused hole. “I want to show you something. Show you that no one can stand between us now” The Clown said and before the little boy knew it, he was standing, having a large t-shirt thrown on him that reached his knees and was instructed to put on his own sneakers The Clown had taken away before. He was then being pulled along by The Clown, holding his hand, following The Clown out of the room and then they were walking through the woods._

_The trees, brush, ground, everything seemed to be a blur as the boy trudged along. Short legs still throbbing, trying to keep up with The Clown. The white jumpsuit with multi colored polka dots with its neon green afro and bright red nose were the only bright things in the darkness of the night._

_Soon enough, the little boy realized they reached his house. Everything in him wanted to run towards it. Find his parents and have them protect him from The Clown. His heart was hammering in his chest as The Clown pulled him along towards his backyard. He didn’t know what was happening, he didn’t understand. The Clown let them into the house like he lived there and the little boy didn’t know what he was looking at till they moved… The muffled cries came from his two parents who were both tied up back to back, sitting in his mother’s dining room chairs. They were looking at him. Panic clear and tears falling down their faces as they struggled from their restraints._

_“Now, you are going to be a good boy and stand right there while I deal with them.” The Clown stated, releasing his hand and then made the little boy turn to face him and look into his smiley faced make up on his face. “If you move or look away from my fun, I’ll make sure you scream later when I fuck you again” The Clown’s voice was eerily light but filled with a firm promise of pain as he patted the boy’s bare ass to emphasize his meaning. The little boy nodded in fear, not knowing fully what he was agreeing to until he watched The Clown walk towards his parents and lift up a large knife he hadn’t notice before and chopped off his parents’ heads. {]_

 

Castiel screamed himself awake. The dream a vivid memory of his horror filled past. The sun was shining in from the window on his right as he panted and tried to get his heart to calm down. His sleep hazed brain caught back up to him being awake as he stared up at the white ceiling of his bedroom. Flashes of the dream, of his memories started to run through his mind, he burst into tears and curled onto his side.

  
  
**######**  
**Oct 15th**  
  
  


After his morning session with his therapist, Castiel was just exiting his Literature class when Garth and Charlie joined him in the hall. Both were chatting happily about a Halloween party that coming Saturday and what they would dress up as. Every corner of the campus was decorated for the heavily celebrated holiday and Castiel wished he could find joy in it as others did.

Halloween had stopped being fun when he was ten years old and nothing would ever change that. He had spent every Halloween since, locked into his bedroom and watched whatever series he had on DVDs. He would binge watch them until Halloween was gone. Comedies mostly decorated his collection. One could be assured you would never find anything remotely close to horror genre in his DVDs or books.

They turned a corner to head towards the courtyard and Castiel’s heart almost stopped.

“Get away from me!” Sam Winchester, Dean’s younger brother was angrily walking away from a man dressed as a clown. Brightly colored plaid pants in red, blue, and yellow with a matching curt tailed jacket and a evil clown face on a full headed mask completed the look as The Clown ran after Sam laughing.

Castiel dropped his belongings and couldn’t move. He couldn’t look away. Charlie and Garth were laughing next to him but he didn’t know at what, all he could see was The Clown and Sam yelling at it angrily. His lungs hurt as he watched Sam, still being followed by The Clown coming towards him and his legs trembled. He couldn’t speak, his feet wouldn’t move. He needed to move; he needed to run.

_Run.Run.Run._

His surroundings became a blur, he couldn’t make anyone out beside the evil clown. It was getting closer and it was big. Its head was alabaster white and it had three patches of candy red hair sticking out like a star on its head while its eyes were sunken yellow and betty with a pointed black makeup line running over them and its mouth was open and lined in lime green with eerie uneven butter yellow teeth.

The Clown was looking at him and Castiel’s brain couldn’t differentiate that it was just a mask he was looking at and not the actual clown in his nightmare. The Clown was talking to him but he couldn’t move his whole body was shivering, he could feel his lips trembling as The Clown took off its jacket. NO. No, please no, not again please please please. Don’t touch there please.

“CAS!”

He could hear his name being yelled. He knew that voice but he couldn’t think. The Clown was without its jacket, unbuttoning its white dress shirt. Please no, no no no. It hurts to much, please no. He doesn’t like it, he doesn't, please.

“CAS!”

The Clown was holding his shoulders and he whimpered. Please…

The Clown sudden yanked off its face and then it was Dean looking at him. Jade green eyes wide with panic and shock. Castiel couldn’t understand what was happening. He suddenly realized he was falling. But, Dean was there, he was holding him, lightly tapping his cheek.

“Cas, babe talk to me.” Dean’s voice was coming through now. It was laced with fear yet was firm and he took in a deep breath as air suddenly hit his lungs. Castiel gasped as his brain slowly came back to. His friends were around him, all sporting worried looks and clearly confused. “Cas look at me, focus on just me” Dean’s voice was gentle, promising safety.

“Clown…” Was all Castiel was able to get out before he finally blacking out.

  
  
**###**  
  


When Castiel came to, he was in their bed. Dean was sitting on the side, dressed in grey sweats and dabbing Castiel’s forehead with a wash clothes.

“Dean” Castiel murmured tiredly. At his name, his lover gave him a small apologetic smile.

“Hey gorgeous. You scared the shit outta me. You were so pale, chalk white… I didn’t know Cas. If I would have known how much clowns scared you I would have never-” Dean stated, clearly angry with himself for what had happened. Castiel shook his head and placed two fingers over Dean’s lips.

“Not your fault” He said quietly, his voice small.

“Cas, I almost made you go tonic. I should have known Cas-”

“Stop. You didn’t know” Castiel sat up. Dean was blaming himself when it wasn’t his fault. He had no idea Castiel would react in such a way when he never told him anything about his past, his nightmares, or why he even saw the therapist every Thursday. “Please just hold me”

Dean quickly complied, getting comfortable against the headboard of their bed and let Castiel cuddle up against his chest before he wrapped his arms around his lover. Castiel buried his face in the crook of Dean’s neck and the moss green eyed student absently kissed at his forehead, letting the shorter man’s dark chocolate curls tickle his nose.

“I dressed up as a clown to scare Sammy. He’s always been scared of clowns since I made him watch ‘It’ from Stephen King when we were younger. It was just a joke. I swear if I would have known how badly it would rattle you I would never have gotten the damn costume.” Dean explained into his soft hair.

The room was dark and quiet besides their breathing. The only light was coming from the living room's soft light.

“I know” Castiel assured him.

“Does this have to do with your nightmares? Why you go to therapy?” Dean asked carefully as he held Castiel a bit tighter.

“Yes” Was the only answer Castiel gave. Dean didn’t ask anything else as they stayed wrapped around each other until sleep came.

  
  
**######**  
**Oct 17th**  
  
  


Castiel was thankful that none of their friends mentioned what had happened. The only slight change in the few days was that Sam hung around a bit more. Dean was in the last year of obtaining his masters while Castiel still had another years after this. Sam had just started his enrolment this past semester and big brother Dean couldn’t be prouder.

They were all in the courtyard having lunch. Castiel, Charlie, Garth, Gordon, Gabriel and Sam were all seated around the picnic table while Dean, Jo, and a few members of the cross county athletic team were speaking a few yards away. Many of the sports groups had tried to get Dean to join but he wasn’t interested. Castiel watched on, smirking in his bite of chicken salad.

It never ceased to amaze him how handsome Dean was. His face was symmetric perfection and his smile hollywood worthy. He was charismatic almost to a fault and Castiel still couldn't at times understand what Dean saw in him. Jo was all smiles as her attention never left Dean, no matter who in the group spoke. He hated how obvious she always was, to the point that others sometimes commented but Castiel couldn’t find it in him to diminish his trust in Dean because of her actions. Dean had never shown interest beyond friendship.

Charlie and Garth were at the end of the picnic table carving up a pumpkin each for the Halloween carving contest that was happening this weekend. Garth had won first place last year and was fully intended to win this year again. Only now, Charlie had also entered and was giving him a run for his money. Each were completely concentrated in their designs. Castiel smiled at their determined frowns before he turned his eyes back across the yard and on Dean.

“Dude, what is this? It just hit me in the head” Gabriel grumbled, looking up at the massive willow tree they sat under, trying to figure out where the item had fallen from.

When Castiel turned, a chill ran down his spine. Gabriel was holding a small, golf sized white plastic ball with something printed on it.

  
  


**######**  
**Oct 19th**

 

“What would you like to talk about today?” Castiel’s therapist smiled at him softly. Her blonde hair up in a half ponytail. She was in her fifties but looked young and beautiful. She had always made Castiel feel safe.

“I think I’m going crazy” He started with a half laugh. He hadn’t told her about the little plastic balls showing up randomly, depicting circus symbols that made his mind go straight to the source of all his fears. The Clown. However, there was no proof or indication that The Clown was even physically here. It had been twelve years since Castiel last saw The Clown.

“We both know you are anything but. Now, tell me what's bothering you”

Castiel proceeded to tell her about the little plastic balls. He even admitted to his complete melt down when Dean had been dressed as a clown. “Dean felt horrible after but it wasn’t his fault… It was my choice not to tell him about my past and _HIM._ ”

“It's your right not to. I’m sure your boyfriend was not angry with you for not divulging in a past that’s still hard for you to even fathom happening. You’ve come a very long way and are doing remarkably well. Your Dean seems to and has been very good for you. Look how strong you’ve become since meeting him. I believe its two years now?” Castiel nodded in confirmation as his therapist went on. “If you decide to tell him, do so because you’re ready. I understand your reservations, but you don’t have to tell him details, especially the more delicate and painful ones.”

“Well, after my meltdown, he knows how I feel about clowns and he knows it has to do with my past. I’m just… I don’t… I’m scared he will see me differently if he knew…” Castiel couldn’t finish his words, choosing to bite his bottom lip instead.

“I know Castiel” She patted his knee, making him feel all of ten years old again. How could he tell Dean he watched his parents be killed. Then have the killer, The Clown, kidnap him and was kept for three months as its plaything when he was just ten years old? On top of things, the police had never found The Clown. The many physical scars all had healed, but the emotional and mental ones hadn’t fully dissipated. Castiel doubted they ever would. He was thankful however that he couldn’t remember the physical pains anymore even though he could still picture them in his dreams. He honestly didn’t know what Dean would think.

“You know, I think you should be proud of yourself. Despite everything, you are able to be in a relationship. A physical and emotional one. That’s an obstacle many rape victims are never able to overcome. It also helps how wonderful your Dean is to you. He clearly loves you very much. I don’t think you should sell him short” The therapist added, giving him an amused wink, gaining a nod and smile from the twenty two year old survivor. She then took his hand in hers, holding it gently. “Castiel, if you feel uneasy or truly feel something is going on with those plastic balls, I will listen to you. If you want to file a report, we will figure it out. You know I am always in your corner. Maybe even tell Dean, have someone there, not only to confide in, but that also understands why you are having such feelings”

Castiel nodded. She was right, Dean may be able to help him deal better if he knew at least the basics of his past. His therapist had been there for him since the first day the police officers had found him wandering down a deserted street in the middle of nowhere. The Clown had brought him there on foot and just told him to start walking. He had been found barefoot, wearing only an adult’s t-shirt that reached his knees. He was covered in blood, semen, filth, and dirt. His therapist had been there at the hospital and had never left his side. She had helped him immensely by being a permanent presence in his life. She made him feel safe, like Dean did.

Unlike his aunt Naomi, who reluctantly took him in after the ordeal. Naomi had been his mother’s sister and they had been very close. His mother’s death had been very painful for Naomi and she had blamed Castiel for it. Their relationship had been more or less of a silent nature. Going through the motions of feeding and clothing Castiel, taking him to school and therapy had all if not almost been done without much interactions from her.

The therapist snapped Castiel’s attention back to her. She was studying the little plastic balls he had brought to show her. Balloons, a tent, an elephant and finally a lion. “I won’t lie to you Castiel, this is a bit unnerving. I wonder who and why they are leaving you these.”

  
  
**###**  
  


They never found The Fucking Clown. Castiel had hoped to leave his therapy session feeling lighter; but instead, he felt even more on edge. He opened the door to his place, relief filled him as he spotted Dean’s boots by the door.

“Babe?” Castiel rushed towards the bedroom where Dean had just called from and found his lover going through his closet. Dean was shirtless, freshly showered, wearing jeans low on his hips and was still bare foot. “Have you seen my Metallica shirt? I can’t find it” He grumbled from inside the closet.

“No, I haven’t” Castiel answered. He sat on the bed and just watched his lover. Dean was grumbling to himself, looking for his t-shirt. He finally gave up and spun around exasperated and noticed Castiel sitting there watching him. His brows furrowed as he took in Castiel’s clearly distressed look.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen in therapy?” Dean kneeled in front of him and cupped his cheek, making Castiel’s troubled sky blue gaze meet his own concerned one.

“Make me feel good” Castiel voiced as he attempted to pull Dean towards him for a kiss.

“Cas” Dean hesitated. It was obvious Castiel was upset and a bit frantic in his rush to pull Dean on top of him.

“I don’t want to think, I just want to feel good, feel safe, feel loved. Please” Castiel begged, cerulean blue eyes wide and pleading. After a moment Dean gave a slight nod and kissed him. They worked together to remove Castiel’s t-shirt and jeans before both moved up to the middle of their bed.

Castiel’s hands roamed his lover’s shoulders and arms. He ran his blunt nails softly over Dean’s back, loving the feel of his muscles as he moved. Dean was kissing and nipping at his neck, sending trembling and teasing sensations through his body as Dean grabbed for the small bottle of lube in the nightstand drawer. Castiel arched his back letting a moan escape him as Dean’s mouth latched onto his right nipple. His body was already on fire and he spread his legs eagerly as Dean settled between them. Lubed ready fingers teased at his entrance before Dean carefully slid in two fingers. Castiel moaned and panted as Dean worked him open slowly and deeply, kissing his lips hungrily.

“Please Dean” Castiel felt impatient, pushing himself down on his two fingers, feeling the slight burn.

“Not yet. Don’t wanna hurt you” Dean whispered against his lips before claiming them and carefully added a third finger, getting a high pitched gasp from Castiel.

 

_~~”I know it hurts, don’t cry. You should see your little pink hole swallowing up my fingers”~~_

 

Dean pulled back just enough to coat his cock with lube and gently pushed himself into Castiel’s wet heat. Both moaned and groaned as Dean slid in until he bottomed out. He lowered himself onto Castiel, right hand caressing his lover’s cheek as they kissed deeply. Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck, let his left hand lost itself in his lover’s short hair while the other grasped at his back as Dean started to roll his hips.

 

_~~”Face down, ass up like a good little toy… I love when you scream, ohhh you feel so good”~~_

 

Dean’s hips were rolling faster. He lifted Castiel’s legs high to wrap around his waist, sinking in even deeper as Castiel moaned in pleasure, throwing his head back in the pillows as Dean fucked him faster.

“Love how loud you get… fuck Cas, feel so good” Dean growled against his neck as Castiel clawed at his back, pulling and grasping tightly.

 

_~~”Gonna teach you how to cum from just that tight little ass getting played with, like a good boy”~~_

 

“You gonna cum for me?... fuck… mmm Cas” Dean rose up, hands on Castiel’s hips, holding him tightly as he switched angles just right, making Castiel scream a high pitched moan, yelling ‘yes’ repeatedly.

Castiel’s whole body was on fire as he met Dean for every thrust, punching his prostate. His toes curled as the ball of intense tingling left his stomach and coursed throughout his every limbs as he exploded all over his stomach, coming untouched.

“Fuck, fuck… so gorgeous like this babe” Dean groaned as he rocked his hips desperately before he stilled for a mere second and came hard, flooding Castiel’s insides.

 

_~~”So pretty like this, covered in my cum”~~_

 

Dean took his time, still rutting lightly inside of his lover as both of their climaxes subsided and gave way to the numbing tired and drained feelings. Dean bit his lower lip and pulled out his softening cock gently, gaining a moan from Castiel who laid panting, letting his heart rate calm.

Dean thumbed Castiel’s hole, pushing back in his escaped cum. “I love seeing my cum in you”

 

_~~”That tight little hole of your is overflowing with my cum”~~_

 

“You’re a caveman” Castiel whimpered as he let Dean tease his hole a bit longer before his lover moved to lay against him and kissed him. Dean had a kink about it. Castiel knew it was a possessive gesture but it couldn’t make his brain think about how he knew that. Instead he nuzzled Dean’s chest and settled to sleep against his lover as Dean pulled the blanket over them and snuggled them in to sleep.

  
  
**######**  
**Oct 20th**  
  
  


As Castiel and Dean hit the campus the next morning, holding hands, sweet smiles, the extremely real realization that something was abundantly wrong hit the both of them. The campus apartments were surrounded by police and yellow tape was keeping other students and spectators at bay. Castiel glance to his left just in time to see a body bag being removed from the building by officials. His hand tightened in Dean’s and he instinctively moved closer to his lover who held him against him without a word as they watched the proceedings.

“Guys!” Charlie and Gabriel rushed over. Charlie was in complete tears while Gabriel was uncharacteristically quiet and solemn.

“What happened?” Dean asked quietly. His moss green eyes glued to the coroner's vehicle in which the body bag had been placed in.

“Gordon found him…” Charlie tried, but couldn’t stop trembling and crying. Gabriel hugged her as she buried her face into his shoulder.

“Found who?” Dean asked gently as he looked at Gabriel. Castiel couldn’t take his eyes away from the flashing police lights.

“Garth… he was killed sometime last night” Gabriel finally clarified. Voice an emotional waver.

Castiel’s legs gave. Dean caught him and tightened his hold around him. Garth… sweet and innocent Garth was dead… he had been killed while Dean had been making love to him and Castiel couldn’t stop the bile that rose in his throat as he shoved away from Dean and emptied his stomach in the nearby bushes. Dean was next to him in seconds, rubbing his back.

The police were coming and going with evidence bags. Others were questioning students. It all looked like a red and blue blur of black ants running around. By the end of the day, it had been leaked among the students and the faculty that Garth had been decapitated after being restrained in a chair.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SERIOUS TRIGGER WARNINGS. I’m not joking, references to underage rape and dubious consent. READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION. 
> 
> A very huge thank you to the extremely talented Miss Artsy for the amazing art work!!!!  
> Check out her page! https://castielsgal.tumblr.com/ 
> 
> [} means dreams  
> ~~ means memories

  
  
**######**  
**Oct 22th**  
  
  
Following Garth’s death, Castiel had refused to leave his bedroom. Dean pushed him to eat, shower, and would hold him tightly in hopes that sleep would find them both. The entire campus held an ominous melancholy of unanswered ‘whys’ at the pointless death of a sweet and quirky lovable guy. It left a pain filled shadow across the school.  
  
Still, life went on and it was almost unthinkable. Some students felt the Halloween parties which were to start tonight should still be held and in honor of Garth. Giving the generic speech of _‘He would have wanted us to party’_ as if that made everything _ok._  
  
Castiel had no idea what the others planned to do, but he and Dean had wordlessly agreed to remain right where they were; cuddled up together in bed to hide from the rest of the world. Castiel was grateful that Dean was so strong. He made sure they still both ate and bathed. Castiel just felt numb and could only seem to seek Dean’s warmth and nothing else. His tears had ended days ago but he couldn’t find it in him to leave the room at all.  
  
  
**######**  
**Oct 24th**  
  
  
Dean had convinced him to go see his therapist. He wasn’t talking, at all, not even to Dean and his lover wanted him to voice or let out his feelings and the next best option was therapy. His therapist greeted him with a long hug. It felt motherly and it made him remember when he was ten and she would hold him this way until he was cried out or was able to stop the shaking from overtaking his body. It took him a very long time to be able to focus his thoughts. He felt pulled back and forth between now and twelve years ago.  
  
He couldn’t understand why Garth had been killed. He couldn’t grasp the reason. However, it didn’t change the way he had been found and Castiel couldn't help but wonder if he had suffered. He couldn’t deny his thoughts on this being The Clown. The police seemed baffled and there had been no evidence, at least from the grapevine. He was bound to a chair, writs secured to the arms of the chair with zip ties. His ankles had been fashioned in the same way, with zip ties digging into his skin and latched to the legs of the chair. A large, red clown’s nose had been lodged in his mouth before he had been decapitated.  
  
It was an exact replica of how his parents had been killed. Gabriel had been able to get the gruesome details from a friend that worked at the morgue. The zip ties had been pulled so tight they had been embedded into Garth’s skin.  
  
Castiel cried for his friend, his lungs contracted as he tried to take in a breath. He hoped Garth hadn’t suffered. He hadn’t deserve to have his life taken this way. He was so young and full of potential. He had been so carefree and innocently sweet…. Castiel cried into his hands. The why and who were too clear and obvious. It HAD to be The Clown. And it was his fault.  
  
  
**###**  
  
  
Tossing and turning kept him from sleeping, and in turned, it kept Dean from sleeping. It was late, the alarm clock on the nightstand told him it was 11:13pm. He wasn’t sure how Dean had done it but he had convinced him to join him for a walk. Stating that fresh air would do him good, especially when Castiel loved being outside normally. He loved nature. Reinforced the fact that the campus security had been tripled, Dean had insisted they would be safe and that he would protect him.  
  
It was chilly out and Castiel was thankful Dean had thought of bringing his trench coat for him. He was surprise to have seen others out. Halloween decorations were tastefully displayed all over the grounds. He could even hear some mixes of music from different parties at different student dorms. He could only think those that were in a celebration mood must not have known Garth. He couldn’t phantom feeling cheery any time soon.  
  
He and Dean held hands as they walked leisurely, taking in the cool breeze and the scent of moist earth and crisp leaves. They were in no rush, no particular destination in mind, just taking silent comfort in each other’s presence while taking in the beauty of nature at night.  
  
  


Castiel preferred to stay on the paved path, where the light poles were. A false sense of security about being in or near the lights calmed him ever so slightly. Dean didn’t question or seemed to even notice.

It amazed Castiel. Any given day he would have been adamant that taking a walk, at night surrounded by a sea of trees would never relax him. Yet, here is was, with his arms now wrapped around Dean’s left arm, his head against Dean’s shoulder as they continued on wordlessly in an almost sluggish trot. He felt ok, he felt safe with Dean being his physical and emotional rock. He knew how completely selfish it was of him but Dean truly didn’t seem to mind and Castiel was too lost in him to care. He flexed his fingers that were laced with Dean’s and receive a squeeze back, giving him a small smirk on his face.

They were halfway around the path, behind the northern section of the campus when Dean pulled them gently to sit at one of the wooden benches. It was gently illuminated by the nearby light pole. They could see the small lake, the moon shining over it, reflecting its image over the calm water. Castiel cuddled into Dean’s side as his lover softly lifted his chin for his cobalt blue eyes to meet his moss green ones.

The adoration and unmasked lust in Dean’s eyes sent a tingling sensation down his spine as Dean kissed him slowly. His brain left behind all thoughts as Dean’s right hand lost itself in Castiel’s dark hair, making the smaller man moan into the kiss as it deepened. Castiel inhaled Dean’s spearmint aroma and musk that was purely ‘Dean’ as his lover mapped out his mouth greedily. Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck and let out a small mewl as Dean started nipping at his jaw when a bone chill shrieking scream echoed throughout the woods.

They separated at record speed and stood, looking all around them. Castiel grabbed onto Dean as his lover wrapped his arms around him. There was no way to tell where exactly the scream had come from. They stayed very still, both as quiet as they could be while their hearts beats erratically and they tried to keep the panic from spilling out.

“Come on” Dean whispered as he started to walk in the direction they had been going before they had stopped. Castiel pulled him back, fear clear as day in his wide cerulean blue eyes. “Cas we can’t stay here. I won’t let anything happen to you. Come on!” After a moment Castiel nodded his understanding. Dean was right they couldn’t just stay there.

They walked briskly, both kept wide eyes around the array of trees and the only thing that could be heard were the crickets chirping and the vast notes of music in the far distance of the dormitories at the south end of campus. The light pole they had just passed suddenly went out and Castiel yelped as they sped up in a hurry. A loud gurgled scream sounded right ahead of them and to the side in the darkness of the woods that was suddenly cut off in a sharp _‘swoof’_ sound.

They both stopped dead in their tracks as something rolled onto the path way while the sound of heavy feet ran away from them. “Cas don’t look” Dean said in a rush and covered Castiel’s eyes with his hand. Castiel turned away from whatever Dean was trying to shield him from and looked behind them as his tears blurred his vision.

He took a deep shaking breath. “W-who…” Castiel couldn’t finish his question, his voice trembled and shivers overtook his body. As he waited for Dean to answer, he saw it then. A little white plastic ball the size of a golf ball and its image staring up at him, taunting him. Fresh tears flooded his senses.

“It's Jo….” Dean’s voice was barely a whisper.

  
  
**######**  
**Oct 25th**  
  
  


It was like living in a numbing, slow motioned horror movie. It wasn’t quite two in the morning when the harsh knocks sounded at their door to find police officers back asking questions. Castiel had refused to leave Dean’s side and hadn’t been able to articulate words beyond mumblings as everything around him became miles away.

Jo had been found dead, she had been murdered mere feet from him and Dean… She had been tied to a tree by multiple zip ties. The cops said she had put up quite a fight but had been tied for what seemed to be hours before she had been decapitated. A red clown nose had been found close by and they said she must have spit it out when she came too.

He could feel the vibrations through Dean’s chest as he spoke to the officers. He knew he was asking and answering questions. But all Castiel could see were flashes of his parent’s deaths, now coming to life and killing his friends the exact same way. How was he supposed to continue thinking that his fears were unfounded? How could he continue to think that he was just overreacting about the fucking white balls that all came back to a clown? This was his fault. People he knew where being killed in the same brutal way as his parents had because The Clown had found him. They had never found The Clown, but he was here now, Castiel couldn’t deny it. He should have listened to himself, he should have been adamant about getting someone to listen but therein lied the problem. He hadn’t been willing to even tell his own boyfriend, how the hell could he think he could help and prevent other murders? He was making excuses because he knew he was incompetent. He was a broken little doll and The Clown knew it. It didn’t matter that it had been twelve years. All his efforts no longer mattered because he was back, back for him and killing anyone he felt would stand in its way and….

Dean. Castiel held on tighter to his lover, his hands twisted into fists in his shirt. He couldn’t lose Dean. He couldn’t.

  
  
**######**  
**Oct 27th**  
  
  


Medication was a numbing welcome. He hadn’t taken or needed them in years but he had a standing prescription. The conversation he had just had an hour ago with his aunt Naomi had just added to what was going on. He wasn’t sure what he had expected from her. He knew she loathed him, blamed him for all the horrors that happened in her life but when his cell phone had rang and her name had come up, he had actually hoped she had been calling because she was worried about him. Because she cared about him.

She was all he had left of his family, of his mother he could barely remember. His tears had started as soon as he had answered the phone and as he barely gotten out a meek ‘hello?’ out, he had been able to feel her anger through the phone.

 _“This is because of you! That thing is back and killing other because of you! You should have died instead of your parents! This is all your fault!”_ Aunt Naomi had growled out, filled with hate and hung up. No question she had seen the news. Castiel had kept in touch with her throughout the years even though it had been one sided. Birthday cards and Christmas cards, a random phone call to say hello that never lasted more than a minute. He had tried so desperately to hold on to the only person that could tell him about his mother but she had refused him at every turn.

She was right. What was happening was his fault. He sat indian style on his bed in yesterday’s pajamas. He had the five white balls lined up in front of him. It felt as if they were glaring at him. Balloons, a big top tent, performing elephant, tamed lion, and a unicycle. Everything linked to a circus… to clowns. Part of him wondered if the police would even believe him. He had no proof, just random plastic toy balls and a twelve year old nightmare. The only real connection was the way the victims died. Rowena and Jim Novak, his loving parents. Garth Fitzgerald IV, a sweet friend that was always trying to make Castiel smile. Jo Harvelle, he may not have liked how Jo flirted and watched Dean but her death wasn’t warranted, not on any level. All good and kind, innocent people.

Castiel laid back against his pillows. He rubbed at his face wishing Dean was here. His boyfriend had gone to his classes, saying he needed a sense of normalcy. Castiel knew it was selfish of him but he wanted Dean with him at all times. He had told his therapist as much. She had just smiled at him knowingly and reminded him that Dean had to deal with the events of what had happened as well. That she was sure Dean wanted to be there for him but the boy needed to have his own time in order to cope as well.

Castiel had trembled on her sofa as he wondered out loud if she thought that if Dean knew… if his boyfriend knew about his past, if Dean would blame him, just like his aunt did. How would Dean be able to be with him knowing that their friends were being killed because of him, because his worst nightmare had come back for him. His therapist had spent the better part of their session convincing him otherwise, that Dean wouldn’t think that way, that the boy loved him and would never desert him, even if he knew.

He promised he believed her, he needed to believe her and took her advice at letting Dean center himself and that he would come back to Castiel. They did live together after all and Dean wasn’t avoiding him. He was in class.

Class. Castiel's major was Computer Science & Mathematics, minor in Philosophy. As he looked at his desk, his textbooks and his computer shut off, none of it looked important. None if it seemed to matter. Maybe it was his mood, or maybe it was the prescription drugs he had taken forty five minutes ago. He wasn’t sure. He couldn’t fully grasp onto a solid thought at the moment, only that people were dying because of him and he was too much of a broken coward to say or do anything about it. The only thing that seemed to matter was Dean.

Dean. He would be sad, and worried seeing him like this. Dean had never been around him while he was on medication and Castiel wondered if Dean would be upset with him. Maybe he should try to do homework. Dean had been sweet and thoughtful, bringing him his homework from his classes in order to help. The least he could do was make an effort.

Castiel stood on wobbling legs. The drugs were good, he felt nothing but flowy. He needed a shower to try and wake up, not continue to stink even though Dean hadn’t said anything. It had been two days since he had bathed and shaved. Carefully, he made his way to their bathroom and started a shower. Slowly, in a buzzing haze he stepped out of his pajama pants and got into the shower. The water felt amazing and the medications were really kicking in now. Everything felt good, the water was wonderful as it slid over his body. He was on autopilot now, lathering his loofah. It was emerald green. He had chosen it because it made him think of Dean’s eyes.

Castiel took his time bathing, humming whimsically to himself, lost in his fog. He never heard his cell phone ring in the bedroom.

  
  
**###**  
  
  


He had no idea how long he had been day dreaming while following the water drops that covered his body until the water turned cold. When he finally did step out, he could hear voices in the apartment. The fog had more or less started to slowly wear off and he could distinguish one of the voices as Dean’s. He wrapped himself in a plush white and grey striped towel that engulfed him like a blanket and quietly made his way out of the bathroom.

The bedroom was empty and the voices were coming from the living area. “D-Dean?” His voice was small and his throat suddenly felt dry. As he pondered if his boyfriend had even been able to hear him, the sound of bare feet were coming towards the bedroom and there stood Dean.

“Cas!” Dean rushed over and hugged him tightly. The shorter lover was still woozy and Dean seemed to quickly notice his overly relaxed demeanor. “Babe?” Dean held his boyfriend’s face in his hands and looked at his glazed over ocean blue eyes, drowsy and clearly vegged out. Without Castiel saying a word Dean glanced over his shoulder and looked at the nightstand. The prescription bottle was on full display.

Castiel tried to focus on Dean’s face, his lover looked upset. “Please don’t be mad” He mumbled, fisting his hands in Dean’s shirt, forgetting about the towel he had been holding on to and hadn’t tucked in and it dropped to the flow. It took a full moment for Castiel to look down at the pooled towel then back up at his boyfriend’s worried face and gave him a goofy grin. “Oops”

Dean sighed. “I’m not mad, I was just worried. I least you’re ok”

“Mr. Winchester?” A voice Castiel didn’t recognized growled out.

“Cas, there are officers here wanting to talk to us.” Dean started as he helped Castiel into a pair of clean sweatpants. “Babe, something happened to Gordon” Dean said carefully once Castiel slipped on a plain white t-shirt.

“W-what?” Castiel took a deep breath. Gordon?

“Mr.Winchester?” The voice called again from the living area.

Dean inclined his head towards the door, motioning to Castiel to come with him as he slowly pulled Castiel along, holding his hand.

There were three police officers waiting for them and fear gripped Castiel. He grasps at Dean as they situated themselves on the sofa. The drugs suddenly felt like they decided to leave his system as reality slammed into him like a slap to the face as the conversation between Dean and the officers finally reached his ears.

Gordon Walker had been found dead just two hours ago in the campus’ workout gym. Castiel didn’t have to guess how he had died. He was sure, that Gordon had given the killer, The Clown, a hell of a fight. He and Gordon hadn’t been close by any means, but Gordon had also never pretended to be anything but himself. He was a hard and narrow minded person but had never given anyone a reason to actually kill him. Gordon had never been anything but decent to Castiel and he didn’t deserve his life being ended.

“Was he decapitated like the others?” Castiel’s small and worn out voice whispered. It somehow carried over the conversation between his lover and the officers, making them all pause.

The cops looked at each other and then at the two lovers. The officer in charge simply nodded once as the one next to him went on to explain somewhat. “Yes, it's the same M.O. zip ties, decapitation”

Castiel swallowed down the bile that rose in his throat as he nodded numbly, wishing the drugs hadn’t worn off already. He buried his face into Dean’s hoodie, inhaling the spearmint scent and closed his eyes as the officers asked Dean a few more questions before leaving them their card and instructing them to call if there was anything else they could think of.

  
  
**######**  
**Oct 28th**  
  
  


Students were putting in transfers; parents were taking their children out of Lewis & Clark University. Even with the extra security guards, the police cars patrolling, and questioned any and all that attended or frequented the university, it wasn't enough. Three students had been killed, at different times, in places where anyone could come upon the scene and there were no clues. The police made a statement over the news, asking anyone with any leads to come forward if they knew anything. They flashed a ‘crimes stoppers’ phone number on the screen, stating that the caller could remain anonymous if desired.

It had only been a day and by the late afternoon, the campus newsletter already had the gruesome details of Gordon's death, along with a special spread on Jo and Garth, comparing the notes of all three cases. The article had been written by Gabriel, who stated a source at the coroner’s office gave him a sound bite. Castiel understood that this was Gabriel’s passion but these were their friends… Maybe Gabriel had a way of disconnecting himself to do the story but Castiel couldn’t even begin to know how that was possible. These had been friends they ate lunch with, studied with and hung out with.

Gabriel’s article was more or less cold and fact based. There was a detachment as Castiel read the piece. The details almost mirrored each other. All three had been restrained in the same manner, zips ties which left embedded lacerations on the bodies. There had been a red clown nose found at each scene. Garth and Gordon had had it shoved deep into their throats while Jo had somehow managed to spit her’s out. All three had been decapitated, head chopped clean off in one shot. It took power and force to do that and an extremely sharp knife. Gabriel speculated it was some kind of machete. He also added that the police believed, because of the nature of the crimes, the killer was a man with a strong built.

Castiel threw the newspaper onto the coffee table. Even now, classes resumed, all in the name of ‘normalcy’. Dean was in class, he didn’t seem able to stay still and do nothing in the apartment. He didn’t push Castiel to do the same, they were both dealing with this in their own ways. When they came back together, they blended as one and Castiel like that best. Dean coming home and having used his energy progressively so when he wrapped himself around Castiel at night, he would feel ok for that duration. No agitation or unneeded tension.

However, there was an itch that had started under Castiel’s skin as he read Gabriel’s article and suddenly all he could think of doing was going to see Gabriel. He stood up from the sofa and made his way into the bedroom. Maybe ‘escaping’ wasn’t such a good way of dealing but he wasn’t entirely sure what else could help him. He grabbed his trench coat from where it rested on the back of his desk chair and paused. Something caught his eye. Something white and out of place. He spun around and yanked his nightstand drawer open, seeing all five plastic white balls, right where he has put them in a little open cardboard box. He counted them again. All five where there. He spun back to his desk and launched forward. There, on his desk, among his school textbooks and notes was a sixth plastic ball.

 

**######**  
**Oct 29th**

 

Dean had promised him he hadn’t seen that white ball when he had brought Castiel’s homework home. They both presently sat on the sofa, staring at the six white plastic balls. They couldn’t pinpoint exactly when the ball had been left and how. A strong sense of their privacy felt violated and neither knew exactly how to feel ok with the chilling feeling that someone had been in their home. They had gone through their small place and found nothing missing, only the addition of the sixth ball was noted.

Castiel was ready to pull out his hair. Everyone was dying. Halloween was all around them in full swing despite of the murders only days old like they didn’t matter. He felt crazy. Someone had left a sixth ball in their home while neither were present and Castiel was convinced The Clown was behind everything yet he had no proof. Nothing. Six little plastic balls that meant absolutely nothing to anyone but him. Six little balls that had no links or connections to Garth, Jo, or Gordon in anyway shape or form.

Castiel looked at the discarded newspaper and Gabriel’s article and it hit him. What if Gabriel could piece something together? What if there was evidence from his case twelve years ago that could somehow be connected to what was happening now? He looked over at Dean, a pang of guilt took the wind out of him. Dean looked tired and worried. His brows were furrowed and strong jaw set. He was staring straight ahead, not really looking at anything but his moss green eyes were intense just the same. It was his fault. Everything was happening because of him but Dean didn’t even know it. Dean was losing his friends and dealing with his loony boyfriend finding little plastic balls randomly with no clue as to why all this was happening.

Castiel wanted to go see Gabriel, the sheer need to make Dean feel better overtook everything else. Dean was everything to him. He was the most important constant in his life and the very real fear of losing his lover was eating at Castiel’s heart. The stress that surrounded them for the last few days had been driving an invisible wedge between them. Castiel couldn’t bear the thought of not having Dean’s smile or his kisses everyday. Not have his hands on him was like going through of withdrawal of the best drug. They cuddled but that was it. Castiel wanted to believe that it didn’t get more physical because of him but Dean hadn’t push nor tried for anything more either. The intimacy between them that made Castiel sore high, felt like it was slipping away and the fear turned into a type of panic Castiel hadn’t experienced before.

He startled Dean as he straddled his lap, his hands on his lover’s chest, fingers swaying over the t-shirt’s worn fabric. Dean’s hands immediately came to rest on Castiel’s hip as he looked up at him with confusion obvious in his expressive emerald green eyes. Castiel closed the distance and kissed him gently, slowly deepening the kiss as he opened his mouth for Dean to claim it possessively. He moaned into the kiss as Dean’s arms wrapped around him tightly. Castiel lost his hands in Dean’s short light hairs as the kiss grew wanton and passionate. Sloppy opened mouth kisses followed as both started to rut against each other. Neither were going to last long, both too winded up tightly. Dean thrusted his hips upwards in time to Castiel grinding his downwards. The friction of both their cocks rubbed against each other, deliciously mixed in with slight nips of pain from their combined jeans separating them.

Dean growled into his mouth as he grabbed Castiel’s ass with both hands firmly, flexing and kneading as Castiel mewled in pleasure against him. They moved erratically, too far gone to bother taking off their clothes, both desperate for the feel good need of each other as one. Castiel was panting and chanting small whinny versions of Dean’s name, while Dean nipped and sucked at his neck. Castiel’s hands pulled at Dean’s short hairs as he came in his pants. Head tilted back as he shouted Dean’s name. It echoed off the walls in the otherwise quiet apartment.

Dean groaned at the slight pain from his hair being pulled and then the unmistakable wetness that soaked through both their jeans and reached his on pulsing cock, made him cum hard. He rutted his hips against his lover who was still twitching in his arms as they shared breath from their climax.

Dean took a firm but gentle grip of Castiel’s hair and kissed him leisurely, slowly sucking at his lips as Castiel moaned into it. “I don’t know what brought this on, but I’m glad you did” Dean murmured against Castiel’s kiss slick and swollen plush pink lips. Dean caressed his face and Castiel leaned into the touch as he gave his lover a small smile.

“I just needed you, us, this” Castiel tried to explain, words escaping him at the moment. Dean seemed to understand though. He smiled at Castiel and pulled him in for another all consuming kiss that left Castiel panting for breath.

  
  
**###**  
  
  


Dean hadn’t had any other classes until after lunch. After their teenage fun on the sofa, they had gone to take a shower together which had ended up with Dean taking Castiel from behind against the white tiles as the water poured down on them. Sex was definitely the best form of distraction when the rest of one’s world crumbled around them. Castiel wanted this, wanted to pretend everything was ok if it meant having Dean.

After their shower, Dean got ready for his afternoon classes. They parted at the door with needy kisses being exchanged until Dean finally closed the door, promising more kisses when he got back. Castiel had leaned back against the door, hating that his boyfriend was so diligent about his classes but Castiel supposed if it had been his last year, as a senior he would be like Dean; wanting to get everything done as soon and as well as possible. Dean was brave. Going about his business on campus while a killer still roamed lose just terrified Castiel. Yet, he reminded himself that he wasn’t exactly safe in his apartment either when someone had slipped in unnoticed. What bothered him the most was that Castiel hadn’t exactly left the apartment in days… so when had the person snuck in? While he and Dean were asleep? While he was alone in the house and in the shower? The thoughts and possibilities just wrapped around his mind and did nothing but pool in his stomach with ice cold fear.

He jolted and yelped as his phone chirped, interrupting his eerie thoughts. He let himself stay still to calm his thrashing heart beat before making his way over to grab his cell phone. He had texted Gabriel yesterday, asking if he had a minute to talk about the murders. He felt guilty about even thinking of sharing his past with Gabriel and not with Dean, but he was too scared of how Dean would feel about him after… if he would even want him if he knew what had happened to Castiel. He didn’t think Gabriel would think differently of him for some reason. Gabriel had a way of shrugging things off and accepting things. He teased about things sure, but was never mean spirited nor brought up anything that would make anyone feel hurt and ashamed. Which said a lot about Gabriel’s character. He was the editor of the Lewis & Clark University’s newspaper and was driven by a need to know the truth but he never exploited anyone.

 _/Come on down, I’m available now/_ \- Gabriel

The text read. Castiel had assumed he must have been incredibly busy. It had taken him a whole day to respond to his text which was unusual for Gabriel. He was practically born with his phone glued to his hand.

Castiel grabbed his trench coat and locked the door as he left, having checked it twice, just in case. He quickly made his way through the campus. It was bright and sunny out but it didn’t help to ease his fears and paranoia. The Halloween decorations were everywhere, taunting him and he made himself take a deep breath. He thought about Dean and how if Gabriel believed him, maybe he could somehow stop The Clown. Stop him from taking Dean, because every minute his boyfriend was away from him, Castiel was terrified that the killer would go after him next. He just couldn’t handle that. He couldn’t let that happen. He realized as Gabriel’s news room door came into view that he forgot the balls. Shit. But he was already across the campus and basically at Gabriel’s door. He didn’t want to turn back now or he would lose his nerve.

He knocked on the door. No answer. He knocked a little harder, but there was still no answer. Castiel turned the doorknob, finding it unlocked. He figured that Gabriel was either busy on the phone or typing away and hadn’t heard the knocks. Castiel opened the door only to find the main room empty. Castiel walked into the room, throat tight and dry as he looked around. His foot kicked something and when Castiel looked down his heart stopped.

Slowly and in a daze, he lowered himself down numbly to pick up what he had kicked.

 

His eyes fluttered and he almost lost his breakfast when the sound of laughter sounded from the other side of Gabriel's personal office door to the left of the main publishing room. A small sliver of relief coursed through Castiel. His friend was alive and he needed his help. He snatched the ball, shoving it into his coat pocket and went straight to the closed door and opened it.

“Gabr-” Castiel’s words died on his tongue at the sight that greeted him and gave way to an ear shattering scream.

Gabriel’s head lay at his feet while the smaller man’s body was still strapped to his office chair and there on his desk among the murder pictures and newspaper article was a popup jack in the box, laughing eerily, cackling at his friend’s demise.

  
  
**######**  
**Oct 30th**  
  
  


After being questioned for hours with Dean and his therapist by his side at the police station, Castiel just wanted to take his medication and sleep forever. According to the police, Gabriel had been killed hours earlier, meaning the killer had texted Castiel back... Meaning the killer had been in that room waiting for him because of the popup jack in the box… He was terrified. While Castiel had been rocked back and forth by Dean in a separate room at the station, his therapist had taken it upon herself to speak to the police. Castiel had no idea what she had told them nor what she had decided to not divulge about him. Whatever had been said, soon enough Castiel had been released with a promise of a follow up as soon as they had any answers and to make himself available if they had any more questions.

Dean hadn’t left his side and was repeatedly apologizing for not having listened to him and stayed home with him. The only words that kept leaving Castiel’s mouth were ‘can’t lose you Dean’ like a mantra. If Castiel stayed focus enough from his state of shock, he could see the worry and concern in those expressively beautiful jade green eyes.

Charlie came to sit with them as they each silently mourned too many of their friends in the span of a few days. None of it made sense to them. Except for Castiel. He was sure it was, The Clown, it couldn’t just be anyone else. Not this close to him; not with the same fashion of killing. He just didn’t understand why The Clown was doing it. Why not just come for him straight out? Maybe Dean scared him or kept him away somehow?

Charlie grabbed several more tissues from the box in front of her as she fought to make sense of things. Losing four friends this way felt like they were stuck in some kind of B rated horror flick. She was the only friend he and Dean were genuinely close to. Not only did she also live in the same apartment complex, she lived right across the hall from them. Both apartments had seen their fair share of movie nights.

A knock on the door sounded and Dean momentarily unwound himself from around Castiel to answer it. Castiel’s therapist had promised to come see him here after she took care of a few things following the police station. Charlie excused herself then as her phone rang and told them she was going home. The therapist looked at Dean expectantly and Dean leaned down to kiss Castiel on his forehead.

“I’ll be over at Charlie’s ok?” Dean told him gently. Castiel therapy sessions had always been private and Castiel was extremely grateful that his lover was still ever so thoughtful of him, even during this time. Castiel pulled Dean down once more and kissed his lips. Dean kissed his nose after and gave him a gentle smile before leaving him with his therapist.

“I’m so sorry Castiel. The police will do everything in their power to protect you and find out what happened. They will be sending over two uniformed officers to stand a the building exits to make sure no one suspicious tries entering the building” The therapist started. Castiel just needed numbly.

“C-could I have stopped this?” His voice was barely a whisper as his cerulean blue gaze burned tears stained holes into the oak coffee table.

“No honey. You can’t control someone else’s actions, only your own. They never caught The Clown, obviously a clever one that one. If this is his return, whatever the reason, the police will stop him” Her voice carried such certainty, Castiel wanted to believe with everything he had.

“Did you tell the police…?” Castiel let the question drag on. He knew he didn’t need to elaborate for her to know what he meant.

The blonde therapist took his hand in hands, the gentle gesture had always made him feel like the small child he once was when he first came into her care. “I told them only to look into an old case where the murders are similar and you are the only common denominator beyond the method of killings.”

Castiel nodded thankful. He was sure everything would eventually come out, he just hoped not the part about his abduction, nor its relevance to the case. When his therapist suggested he laid down while they spoke, Castiel mentally thanked her once more. He was completely drained and exhausted and she had a way of making everything around him feel calm and safe, much like Dean did. He laid down on the sofa as she headed him one of his prescriptions with a small glass of water. He took it as indicated and got comfortable as his therapist spoke to him softly until he surrendered to sleep.

  
  
**###**  
  
  


When Castiel woke next, he felt rested. He was still a bit drowsy from the prescription but not enough where he felt high. The room was dark, the only light was from the now snowy TV screen and a light somewhere to the far back of the sofa. He sat up slowly and rubbed the sleep from his eyes before he stood to turn off the muted TV. He glanced out the window, showing nothing but darkness when a shuffled noise sounded behind him. Castiel spun around, facing the front door that was wide open. The overhead lights in the hall was flickering on and off and it took Castiel a moment to realize that Charlie’s front door was also wide open.

“No…” Castiel’s feet were moving before he could think. He crossed over the threshold of his home and bolted into Charlie’s home. The only light that reflected was the snowy display of her own TV, the irritating sound loud in the much too quiet room and there, in the middle of the living room was Charlie’s head, on display on the coffee table while he body was strapped to one of her dining room chairs. Zip ties pulled so tightly her hands were purple from the cut off circulation.

The sudden sound of feet shuffling and things breaking brought his tears covered eyes’ attention back across the hall and back to his own apartment as he saw shadows of two people fighting flow out of the bedroom and into the living room.

“Dean!” Castiel screamed and ran back over. Dean was standing by the bedroom door with blood on the corner of his mouth.

“Cas!” Just as his lover saw him and was about to move towards him, Castiel saw it, saw The Clown standing behind Dean and then yanked his lover backwards.

“NO!” Castiel ran towards the bedroom, busting through the door, his breath erratic and panting as his heart pounded and his eyes were wide and desperate to see in the blacked out room. There were no movements, no sounds and Castiel looked towards the closed bathroom door and begged God that Dean was ok, please… please. He took slow and quiet steps towards the bathroom door, begging not to find his lover dead and wondering where The Clown was. When he got closer, there at the foot of the door was a white plastic ball and Castiel released a pain filled cry at the meaning of it. Before he could even move a muscle, a needle pricked his neck and darkness came.

 

**######**  
**Oct 31st**

 

Castiel wasn’t sure how long had passed when he slowly urged his eyes to open. His mind was hazy and struggling to piece together his thoughts. Dean with The Clown behind him...

He attempted to sit up which only served to discover he was tied to a bed and gagged. Whatever had been used to drug him, made his movements slurred and sluggish. He looked around the room he was in and he could feel his head lolling back and forth. He stopped all movements and closed his eyes shut, willing the room to stop spinning and still itself. He took a few deep breaths and concentrated. His memories came back into focus and he hoped Charlie hadn’t suffered. He wanted to cry for her, mourn her but he was still alive and he was scared of what was to come.

Dean. Where was he? What happened to him?

Castiel slowly opened his eyes, the dizziness was still present but not as severe as before. He needed to figure out where he was. He forced himself to take inventory of himself. He didn’t feel any pain anywhere, only that he was tied to a bed. His hands were bound above his head with something soft yet too tight to slip out of while his legs were spread eagle and also tied. He was also naked. Fear pooled in his stomach as he tried to move but was much too well secured.

He looked at his surroundings. Cement and brick walls, dark and closed in, no windows, like he was in some underground place. There was only two things in the small room, the bed he laid on with four corner poles and a small dresser to his left. He was facing a bare wall with two doors. One he guessed was a closet while the other might be a bathroom. He tried to move his head to look through the gold bars of the headboard to where he guessed was the door to the room but he couldn’t see anything.

“You were so pretty when I first saw you twelve years ago today” A deep husky voice sounded just by the head of the bed, making Castiel jolt. He hadn’t heard anything nor realized anyone had been in the room with him. “I couldn’t resist playing with you. So innocent and like a good little boy, you followed me into the woods so I could keep you” Castiel couldn’t make out the voice, it was so familiar yet so new. His drugged haze mind started to hurt. “I was so sad when I had to let you go. I kept track of you though, couldn’t forget those big blue eyes of yours, your soft skin and your cries. I miss those.”

Castiel’s heart was pounding in his chest and the sound of blood rushing to his ears threatened to consume him as he heard The Clown start to walk around the bed. The panic was coursing through him yet his body stayed as relaxed as if he was just lounging on a summer day. The drugs. Whatever The Clown had given him he could move but kept him hindered, pliant.

“Hearing that, even after years, you still dream about me. Oh, it makes me so happy, my good boy” Castiel couldn't understand what The Clown was saying. Only one person knew about his dreams and, what they consisted of. “I just couldn’t keep away after a while. I had to figure out how to get close to you again and with some very convincing help; which would try my patience honestly, we found a way. She equipped me with specific notes and things to learn. She trained me to become perfect and it worked. Of course, some of the steps I had to take took time.” The Clown was suddenly in Castiel’s line of vision to his right and he couldn’t keep the scared whimper that left his gagged mouth. His eyes were wide as he looked at The Clown with its painted face and the same exact white jumpsuit with multi colored polka dots. The neon green afro in its place but the red clown nose was missing from his face. A white gloved hand caressed Castiel’s right thigh and his body trembled.

The hand continued to pet his leg, each time getting closer to Castiel's cock and exposed hole. “I was seventeen when we first met. So being considerably older I couldn’t just walk onto campus as a student. We figured someone closer to your age would work best. What took the longest was the reconstructive surgery and surprisingly the easiest thing was altering my paperwork. Just really needed to change my birth date, and draw up some fake school records.” The Clown went on and then took off the wig and proceeded to ‘coif’ his short light brown hair.

Castiel watched every movement The Clown made and his confusion just seem to grow as the minutes ticked by. He didn’t understand what The Clown was saying. The Clown then kneeled onto the bed, in between Castiel’s spread legs and pulled off his white gloves. Castiel whimpered as tears pooled from his eyes.

“Normalcy was becoming boring honestly” The Clown’s voice… it _changed_. Castiel was blinking quickly as his mind was firing up red alerts and watched as The Clown’s gaze followed down his left leg and then his hands were caressing his thighs, massaging and kneading the soft muscles there. “Getting you to like me was so easy. Following the game plan from _her_ , worked beautifully. You were vulnerable, so adorably innocent and in need of a shining white knight” The Clown said and the voice felt like a slap. Castiel’s eyes widened in sheer shock as The Clown smiled at him. He knew that smiled, _loved_ that smile. No! Castiel shook his head violently. No!

  


  
  


“Awe, don’t be so upset babe. I really tried you know. Be all normal and caring for you. For a while, it was great. Especially when you finally let me fuck that tight little hole of yours. Mmhm” At his words, The Clown moved forward and licked at Castiel’s hole.

Castiel tried to move away, tried not to enjoy what was happening but his body was treacherous as he was being licked open, exactly how he liked it.

The Clown moved up, half his makeup smeared all over Castiel’s right thigh and hip. Then bright and intensely dark emerald green eyes were sparkling at him. “Then, I dressed up as a clown to scare Sam. I knew you would react but I had no idea how badly you would freak” The Clown whispered, inches from his tears filled face while caressing Castiel’s face with his index finger. The Clown then removed the gag and Castiel couldn’t keep the weak, gasped out whimper from escaping him. “I was so fucking hard when I saw you panic. I wanted to fuck your pretty little face till you couldn’t breathe.” More tears spilled from Castiel cerulean blue eyes as his lips trembled. The Clown smiled eerily at him. “I missed your fear of me. Missed the smell of it off you. The power it had given me all those years ago just rushed back and I couldn’t deny myself anymore”

Castiel couldn’t look away from those eyes. So many times he had lost himself in the love he had found in them… now they looked at him with a hunger, a dark, twisted fascination and his heart broke in pieces. “Dean…” He cried. The Clown had been Dean… all this time…

Without warning, Dean latched onto his neck, grazing his teeth over the tender flesh as he pushed two fingers not so gently into Castiel’s hole. Castiel yelped and tried to move away but he was bound and the drugs still kept him slow.

“Tell me something, what’s your therapist’s name?” Dean demanded in his ear as he added a third finger and twisted them, making Castiel toss and gasp.

“M-mrs. Campbell.” Castiel replied, hating his body, hating that Dean was… fresh tears spilled from his eyes and Dean licked them off his cheeks before suddenly sitting back on his hunches while he continued fingering Castiel open.

“First name” Dean asked, smiling as he stroke Castiel’s prostate and watched him arch off the bed and moan. This was all wrong, Castiel was disgusted with himself while his body writhed with pleasure.

“Mary! Mary Campbell!” Castiel shouted as he came all over his stomach. Bile rose to his throat, he felt sick.

“Such a good boy for me. Always have been.” Dean hummed as he slid his fingers out of Castiel’s loosened hole and scoop up some of his spent cum on his stomach and licked at his fingers, emerald green eyes still piercing into Castiel’s dazed cobalt blue ones. “Mary Campbell. Sweet isn’t she? She also happens to be my mother”

Dean laughed at Castiel’s surprised expression which turned into pain filled understanding. Mary had told Dean how to act to approach him, how to win Castiel over. Get him to trust him on Halloween. “Its funny that you don’t remember her from our time together when I first made you mine.” As soon as the words left Dean’s mouth, a foggy and distant memory he couldn’t fully grasp came to him. He was suddenly back in that boarded up cabin in the woods The Clown - Dean - had kept him in. A woman’s voice during his captivity. The voices mumbled and the memory just out of reach.

Castiel couldn’t believe he hadn’t remembered that before. But then it all made since. Mary had been his therapist for the last twelve years, he had trusted her, depended on her and confined in her. She had been involved from the very beginning so of course she would have made sure that Castiel had never recalled hearing a woman in the house while he had been in captivity. Making sure he only remembered The Clown… her own son.

When ‘Dean Winchester’ had introduced himself to him, he was handsome and sweet. Patient and thoughtful. He had brought it all up in his therapy sessions… she had ever so carefully shoved him into Dean’s web with soft and ‘motherly’ words. Playing her part in her seriously disturbed, killer son’s plan.

Oh god… Castiel had fallen in love and given all of himself to the very man that had shattered his entire world… the very man that had killed his parents in front of him. His friends...

“Where do you think I learned everything?” Dean went on, interrupting his traumatic and pain filled thoughts. Dean was using some small rag to remove most of his face paint while he still knelt between Castiel spread legs. “Mom took dad much like I took you. They were even a family later when I was born and then Sam. Four years of normal for mom was enough. Things happened and mom had to take care of dear old dad.” Dean said with irritation as he rolled his eyes.

Castiel watched his lover? Abductor? He didn’t know which one fit. He was so tired and confused, he just didn’t understand _why_. He jolted as he felt Dean’s thumb teasing his hole again.

“He’s in a mental hospital. She did quite a number on him. With her mind tricks, he’s cuckoo for coco puffs. She made sure her ‘fun’ looked like suicide attempts. He’s never gonna get out. After all, who would ever believe someone raving and ranting about ‘evil clown is gonna get me’ chants?” Dean added and grinned at Castiel. He pushed his thumb in and started to massage the walls, gaining faint whimpers from his victim. Dean leaned forward and started to suck and lick at Castiel’s sensitive nipples, biting the right one making Castiel cry out.

“W-what about Sam?” Castiel managed. He didn’t know what he was doing but he wanted to keep Dean talking. Maybe someone had noticed him missing by now. Maybe someone had found Charlie...

“Sammy?” Dean paused, arching a brow at Castiel as he moved up to look at him while retrieving his thumbs and slid in two fingers, making Castiel squirm and gasp. “Sadly” He started as he watched his fingers thrusting in and out of Castiel’s hole. “Mom and I realized early on, he’s too much like dad. Doesn’t embrace ‘playing’ like mom and I do. So he doesn’t know anything. Pity really, I think he would have been fun to hunt with”

“What are you gonna do to me?” Castiel asked, his throat tight and dry as Dean added a third finger again.

“First, gonna fuck you one last time. I’ll even keep the clown outfit on for you” Dean moved in place between his legs and took his aching cock out from the slit in the suit. Castiel watched as he stroke himself twice before he started to push into him. Castiel closed his eyes, he wanted to be anywhere but here, he didn’t want to enjoy this, enjoy Dean’s touches as he set a fast and rough pace. He wanted to stay quiet and not give into the man that had ripped apart his life, what he wanted from him. He cried miserably as it was obvious he had no control. Never had any at all. Dean owned him in every possible way. He and his mother had molded and kept him right where they wanted him with false pretense that he had been moving on and doing so good… “Such a good boy” Dean whispered into his ear before taking his mouth into a forced, filthy and downright possessive kiss. All tongue and teeth.

It was like a mind fuck of Stockholm syndrome with a whole other level of crazy added on top. Castiel cried into the kiss. He had full heartedly loved Dean, or what he had pretended to be for him. How was he ever supposed to recover from this? Would Dean even let him for that matter? And Mary?

Dean was thrusting repeatedly right against his prostate. Licking and nipping at his neck, sucking a hickey right under his left ear where he was most sensitive while one of Dean’s hands pinched and groped at his nipples. Castiel was practically screaming himself hoarse from how hard and fast Dean was fucking him. Fucking him back like when he was ten… when Dean was just The Clown.

“I love you so much Cas” Dean whispered and it was all too much. Castiel’s climax hit him hard and he came, yelling out Dean’s named and was filled with complete revolting horror at himself. Dean came deep inside of him after several more thrusts where Castiel had laid limply beneath him, his cobalt blue eyes voided and filled with shocked horror.

The Clown took his time pulling out. He leaned down and licked at Castiel’s abused hole, loudly lapping and enjoying the mixed taste of his cum slipping out of Castiel’s puffy gaping hole.

“Second, I’ll leave this up to you,” Dean started, as he decided to commence a row of hickies all over Castiel’s spread tights, marking him to his liking, biting him randomly, making him cry out. “Do you want a quick death or a slow one?”

“Please don’t… Dean please” Castiel cried. Despite himself he didn’t want to die.

Dean moved up and laid himself over him. Right hand started to caress Castiel's cheek, like lovers did. Like he had done before under the guise of Dean. Castiel swallowed hard. His heart broke into tiny pieces all the more every time Dean kissed him. Every time those expressive eyes he had drowned into looked at him. He hated himself. God forgive him but as Dean kissed him, he kissed back, wanting so much for this to have just been some wild nightmare. “Awe sorry sweetheart. I’m not gonna leave you alive, not now. Because as long as you live, so does The Clown.”

Castiel realizes that Dean planned to not just kill him but both of them. “Dean…”

“Don’t worry. Mom promised to take care of everything after. She wasn’t happy, but she understood”

 

**End**


End file.
